The Neuroscience of Arguments

Arguments. We’ve all been there—fists clenched, heart racing, composing breakup speeches in our heads or drafting that “perfect” email reply we’ll absolutely regret by morning.

At Buddhafield 2025, I unpacked the messy, and biologically-explosive world of conflict, nervous systems, and how to argue without accidentally nuking your relationships, job, or child’s sense of safety.

Here is some guidance on what not to do when your brain is hijacked by a primeval threat system.

And, perhaps more importantly, make sure you scroll to the bottom for what actually helps when you're halfway through declaring emotional war.

❌ THINGS NOT TO DO MID-ARGUMENT / when triggered (Even though they feel SO good)

🔥 1. End/threaten a Relationship

• “That’s it, we’re done!” is rarely coming from clarity. It’s coming from your abandoned inner five-year-old and/or your fight-mode dragon.
  
• Break up if needed—but not while your heart rate’s 130 bpm and you’re sweating rage.
  
  

👶 2. Threaten Your Child With Boarding School

Or anything in fact. Kids absorb tone and threat more than logic. You’ll regret the drama, and they’ll internalise the fear.

💼 3. Make a Major Business/Financial/Life Decision

• “You know what? I’m quitting. I’m starting a mushroom farm in Devon.”
  
• Maybe great... but not a decision for cortisol-you. Wait until Coffee & Calm Mode.
  
  

📦 4. Pack a Bag or Storm Out Dramatically

• You’ll forget your toothbrush and your dignity.
  
• Also: slamming the door doesn’t make your point louder—it just proves the amygdala is driving.
  
  

📱 5. Press Send on that Text or Email Response to a High Conflict Message

• Your inner toddler needs soothing, don’t let it drive the bus!
• It might feel empowering at the time but may lead to brain hangover the next day.
• And you’ll probably escalate the conflict.
  
  

🧠 6. Assume You Know Exactly What the Other Person Meant

• Your brain fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.
  
• They said “I’m tired,” but you heard “You’re boring, I regret this marriage, and your risotto is bland.”
  
  

🙊 7. Say the Thing You’ll Regret Forever

• You can’t unsay “You’re just like your mother” or “This is why no one likes you.”
  
• When in doubt: pause, poop, or pray.
  
  

🧘 8. Pretend You’re Calm When You’re Not

• Don’t spiritual bypass with “I’m totally fine” while clenching your jaw like a Buddhist Terminator.
  
• Real regulation is felt, not faked.

   

💔 9. Weaponize Therapy Speak

• Saying “You’re being avoidantly attached and projecting your wounded inner child” while angry is still an attack—just with fancier language.
  
• Be wise, not weaponized. 

Things You Absolutely Should Do Mid-Argument

🧠 Clarity Over Combat: Moves That Help, Not Hurt

When your heart’s pounding and you’re halfway through a dramatic monologue, try this instead:

1. Use your body:

• Breathe - like, really breathe - In through your nose, out through your ego.

•  Stretch your freaking eyeballs. Seriously. Look reeeally far left. Look far right. Do it again. This tells your brain “No tigers here” and hits the chill override button. 

•  Touch them (if appropriate). Skin-to-skin is how our monkey brains remember we’re allies, not rival warlords.

   

2. Name what’s happening 

“I’m getting defensive” is not weakness. It’s emotional parkour.

3. Take a pause (no flouncing) 

Back in 5, calming my inner goblin.” Scream. Breathe. Locate your adult self. Ask yourself:

• Who are they reminding me of?
• What am I making this mean about my identity?
• Do I need to win? What’s the bigger goal here?
• Could I be wrong? (Just… hypothetically?)

4. Now actually listen

Yes, even if what they just said sounds unhinged.

Repeat it back. Like a human mirror with basic empathy software.

🗣 Try these magic spells:
“I can see how upset you are”
“Tell me again, I’m trying to understand.”
“That makes so much sense.” (Cate MacKenzie, you queen.)

🧪 It’s not manipulation. It’s mammalian nervous system maintenance.

Download this guide as a printable PDF