I first shared Finding the Jewel in the Tantrum at Buddhafield Festival 2025, standing in a sun-dappled field with parents who were somewhere between blissed-out and battle-worn.

I talked about the messy beauty of parenting—the scream-filled mornings, the yoghurt wars, and the miniature hurricanes that tear through our kitchens and hearts.

This isn’t a strategy. It’s a remembering.

That your kid isn’t broken. That you aren’t either.

That in the middle of the meltdown, there’s something tender and vital waiting to be found.

A Jewel. 

Share this with the sleep-deprived. Or just whisper it to yourself next time your tiny raccoon-in-a-blender is losing it over toast. 

And if you want a A5 version to stick on your fridge, here's the printable PDF.

Feel free to scroll ahead to the Jewel but I'm gonna start with...

🔥 What Not To Do During a Tantrum

(A public service announcement from the Society for Not Raising Tiny Sociopaths)

❌ 1. Don’t Try to Win

You’re not in a duel. There’s no tiny parenting trophy waiting at the end of this meltdown. If you're trying to come out on top, congratulations: you're now not one but two dysregulated mammals yelling about yogurt.

❌ 2. Don’t Try to Fix It

It’s never about the sandwich or the socks (or the sippy cup that touched the wrong part of the table). It’s about a small nervous system in flames. Don’t get tangled in the nonsense. Giving in to their off-track demands teaches them that big feelings are dangerous which, later in life, becomes:

• Needing to be in control to feel OK
• Chronic people-pleasing
• A mysterious inability to say no to terrible second dates

❌ 3. Don’t Lecture

They don’t care. Their brain is currently on fire. They’re not absorbing your calm explanations about fairness or vitamin C. You’re basically spouting Kant to a raccoon in a blender. Save your TED Talk for later.

❌ 4. Don’t Bribe or Threaten

Yes, they might stop screaming if you wave a chocolate bar or whisper “Santa’s watching,” but all they learn is:

• You fear their feelings
• Love is transactional
• You can’t be trusted with their inner world
  

Fast-forward a decade and now they’re 16, avoiding their feelings through weed or TikTok. 

❌ 5. Don’t Negotiate

You’re trying to reason with someone whose frontal lobe is offline. The rational part of their brain is currently having a spa day while their fight-flight amygdala runs the building with a flame-thrower.
It’s not that they won’t be reasonable. It’s that they literally can’t.

❌ 6. Don’t Plead

“Please stop… Come on, sweetheart…”
This is not a negotiation with a hostage-taker. This is a 3-year-old having a feelings tsunami.
Begging tells your kid, “No one is in charge.”

❌ 7. Don’t Match Their Energy

You’re the only brain cell in the room not actively rioting. If you go down, it’s full psychological Lord of the Flies. Just stand there like a sentient weighted blanket with a mortgage and don’t lose your damn mind. Stay calm-ish. Breathe. Grimace with spiritual dignity if you must.

❌ 8. Don’t Abandon Ship

Yes, you want to walk into the woods and befriend a fox. No, you may not. Your kid is flailing because they need you to stay. Even if you’re quietly disassociating while pretending the screaming is a meditation gong.

❌ 9. Don’t Shame, Blame or Guilt-trip

“Oh no, now Mummy’s sad too…” Congratulations, you’ve passed your codependency like a baton. Now they feel unlovable and furious. This is how tiny shame grenades get lodged in their psyche forever. 🎉 Shame shuts kids down, which might look like peace but is actually emotional frostbite (and adults with a lot of shame are a REAL piece of work).

❌ 10. Don’t Rush the Resolution

You want it over. Of course you do. But tantrums aren’t quick transactions. They’re like thunderstorms: you don't yell at the sky to stop. You put on your raincoat and you wait it out.

❌ BONUS: Don’t Make It About You

 It’s not about you. It’s not because you’re a bad parent. It’s not because they hate you. Don’t take it personally. It’s because they’re a tiny mammal overwhelmed by their insides. They’d tantrum with Beyoncé if she served the wrong cup. Don't make their tantrum your existential crisis (that’s for after bedtime).

🖤 Bottom Line:

You’re trying to reason with someone whose frontal lobe is offline. The rational part of their brain is currently having a spa day while their fight-flight amygdala runs the building with a flame-thrower.
It’s not that they won’t be reasonable. It’s that they literally can’t.

Don’t get dragged into the storm. Be the lighthouse they can come back to.

You’re not losing control. You’re holding space.

Also, maybe drink some water. You look dehydrated.

Download this as a printable PDF

💎 Finding The Jewel in The Tantrum

(For when your child is losing it and so are you)

💎 1. Your Kid Is Good

Even while screaming bloody murder or demanding a unicorn at 7:48am. This is nervous system overload, not moral failure.

🧠 2. Calm Yourself First

You can’t fake chill. They will know. Get in your body.
Breathe. Shake. Do your Wim Hof. You are the lighthouse. Light it up baby.

👣 3. Move In Close

Tantrums are not “go to your room” moments. They’re come closer moments. Sit low. Be the soft place to crash. Your calm body = their safety signal.

🌀 4. Don’t Fixate on the Fixation

It’s not the sock. Or the toast.
That’s just smoke. The real fire is emotion.
Don’t argue with nonsense. Stay with the feelings.

👂🏽 5. Stay. Close. And. Listen 

Let them rage, sob, flail like a tiny Shakespearean hurricane. Say things like:
👉 “You’re so upset.”
👉 “I know Love”
👉 “I’m right here.”
No shutting it down. Just presence.

🌈 6. Congratulations — You Found the Jewel 💎

This is the gooey, vulnerable centre of your child’s emotional universe. And you are in there with them. This is everything. Emotional fluency: unlocked.

You’re not stopping the meltdown. You’re becoming the safe place it lands.

🌀 You’re the calm. The anchor. The adultiest adult in the room.

You've got this. Even if your hair is doing dramatic things.

(Also: snacks. You definitely need snacks.) 

Download this as a printable PDF